NEW: Jokes about our new Jesuit Pope:
0) Pope Francis:
Jokes about Jesuits:
1) Company of Jesus:
One cold winter's day in Bethlehem, just after he had been born, Jesus is lying asleep in the manger. Awaking from his nap, he opens his eyes, sees the ox and the ass standing beside him, and thinks to himself, "So this is the Company of Jesus!"
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. (from "A Catholic Dictionary")
3) Holy Smoke:
There is always a right way and a wrong way to proceed: Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
At a conference about religious obedience, the Jesuit representative is asked, "Your Order places great emphasis on the vow of obedience. How do you ensure that Jesuits remain faithful to this vow?" He replies, "It's simple. Our superiors first ask us what we want to do, and then they mission us to do it. Thus, we never have any problems with obedience."
Another conference participant then asks the Jesuit, "But aren't there some members of your Order who don't know what they want to do? What do you do with them?" The Jesuit replies, "We make them the superiors!"
Jokes about Jesuits and Other Religious Orders:
6) Limits to God's Knowledge:
There are three things that even God does not know about the Church:
1) How many congregations of religious women are there?
2) How much money do the Franciscans have stashed away?
3) What do the Jesuits really think and what are they going to do next?
7) Back to Business:
The Benedictans, Franciscans, Dominicans, and Jesuits were having a big meeting that went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out in the meeting room. The Benedictans immediately started chanting Psalms glorifying God, the Franciscans took out their guitars and sang songs praising all creation, and the Dominicans began preaching about the metaphysics of light and darkness; meanwhile the Jesuits went to the basement, found the fuse box, and reset the breaker.
8) Desert Island:
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
9) Driving and Drinking:
Then there was the Jesuit out for a drive who crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan. "It was my fault," each of them insisted -- as is only right and proper with religious men. The Jesuit in his concern for the other said, "You look badly shaken up. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down." So he produced a flask. The Franciscan drank and said, "Thank you; I feel much better now." The Jesuit said, "You still look a little rattled, have another drink." And the Frannie did. "One more," said the Jesuit," and you'll be feeling fine again." The Franciscan, after taking a drink, said, "But Father, you're probably shaken up too. Why don't you have a drink." "I will," the Jesuit replied, "but I think I'll wait until after the police have come."
A Franciscan, and Dominican, and a Jesuit were out playing golf one day. They were moving along the course quite well, until they got stuck behind a group of golfers who were taking quite a long time and weren't letting anyone else play through. Feeling a little frustrated, the three went up to the head of the group and asked what was going on. He told the three priests that they were part of a special program that allowed the blind to play golf. Each blind person was paired off with a sighted player who would help him line up the shot and give him advice on what else to do.
The Franciscan was deeply edified by this display of generosity. He apologized for being so pushy, and announced that he was so impressed by this example of service that he would incorporate it into his own prayer and service to the poor. The Dominican, too, was touched by their example, and declared that he would use this display of service in his preaching, and help others to work with those in need around them.
The Jesuit, finally, was deeply moved by their ministry. He took the fellow aside and encouraged him to continue with his work. However, he had to add one qualification: "Don't you think it would be a lot easier for everyone if they played at night?"
A Franciscan gets a haircut, and then asks how much he owes. The barber says he never charges clergy. The Franciscan thanks the barber and goes home. The next morning the barber finds a big basket of fresh bread from the Franciscans' kitchens.
An Augustinian gets his hair cut by the same barber. The barber also tells him than he never charges clergy. So, the next day the barber receives a nice bottle of wine from the Augustinians' wine cellar.
A Jesuit gets his haircut, and the barber again says that he never charges clergy. The next day, when the barber gets to work, there are twelve other Jesuits already waiting for him.
12) Last Wishes:
A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."
On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."
Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."
Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.
13) Let God Be the Judge:
A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for an answer from God when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and decided to go to the throne of God to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:
My beloved children,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes.
14) Long Training:
A mother goes to her pastor and explains that her son seems very interested in becoming a priest. She would like to know what this would require. So the priest begins to explain: "If he wants to become a diocesan priest, he'll have to study for eight years. If he wants to become a Franciscan, he'll have to study for ten years. If he wants to become a Jesuit, he'll have to study for fourteen years." [This joke originated back when young men entered seminaries right after high school.] The mother listens carefully, and as the priest concludes, her eyes brighten. "Sign him up for that last one, Father -- he's a little slow!"
15) Meeting the Holy Family:
A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you thought about where to send the boy to school?"
16) Not Ready to Go:
Three priests, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit, were in the same hospice. All were near death. One evening, the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time. He said, however, that each could have a final request before accompanying him from this world.
The Dominican went first and he asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant the face of Christ appeared before him. He was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets.
The Franciscan was next. He asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died. No sooner than Christ appeared and invited him, as he did Thomas, to examine His wounds. The dying priest touched Christ's hands and feet, wept with joy and was content and at peace. Finally the Angel of Death turned to the Jesuit and asked his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied: "I'd like a second opinion."
A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?"
The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"
There was a priests' retreat at some retreat house and during the course of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.
The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free.
The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priest.
It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.
19) Sharing the Faith:
A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, and pie was served for dessert. There were two pieces of pie, one cut smaller than the other. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, "St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece." So the Jesuit replied, "And so you have it!"
When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks.
So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp.
Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp.
Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, "Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,..." when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.
Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, "Professional courtesy!"
21) Similarities and Differences:
What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?
[Note: This joke is obviously told from a Dominican perspective. The Jesuit response would be: "That's because we didn't use swords!"]
22) Going Back:
An Augustinian, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit all die and get to heaven. Jesus asks each one, "If you could go back, what would you change"?
The Augustinian ponders a while and says, "There's so much sin in the world. If I went back, I'd try and stop people from sinning so much."
The Franciscan thinks a bit and says, "There's so much poverty in the world. If I went back, I'd try and get people to share more of their wealth with the poor."
The Jesuit looks at Jesus and quickly replies, "If I went back, I'd change my doctor."
23) Entrance into Heaven:
A Capuchin dies and goes to heaven, humbly knocks on the door, and is let in without any fanfare. One day, a long time later, he notices lots of commotion. Flowers are arranged, all the candles are lit, and a red carpet is rolled out. He asks an angel what's going on, and is told that they are preparing to welcome a Jesuit into heaven. Perplexed, he asks St. Peter, "I always thought there would be justice and equality in heaven, with no one receiving preferential treatment. Why are you going to such great lengths to welcome a Jesuit, whereas you hardly took any notice of me when I arrived?" St. Peter tells him in reply, "Don't you see? Another Capuchin enters heaven almost every week, but you can't imagine how long it's been since we welcomed the last Jesuit up here!"
24) Latin Echo:
A Franciscan and a Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo.
Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:
"Quod est Franciscanorum regula?" ("What is the rule of the Franciscans?")
And the echo replied: "...gula, gula, gula." ("Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony.")
In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out: "Fuitne Judas Jesuita?" ("Was Judas a Jesuit?")
And the echo replied: "...ita, ita, ita." ("Yes, yes, yes.")
25) Latin Rhyme:
A Dominican and a Jesuit were arguing one day, each accusing the other of straying from the paths of God.
Finally, the Dominican exclaimed, "Si cum Jesuitis itis, non cum Jesu itis." ("If you walk with the Jesuits, you don't walk with Jesus.")
The Jesuit replied, "Si cum Dominicanis canis, non cum Domino canis." ("If you sing with the Dominicans, you don't sing with the Lord.")
[Thanks to Monseñor Francisco Villalobos Padilla, retired Bishop of Saltillo, Mexico, for contributing this joke.].
Other Online Collections of Jesuit Jokes:
Not all of these jokes are complimentary about us, but hopefully we can laugh at our own faults and foibles, not just those of others!
Thanks to all who contributed to this collection!
This page was compiled by Felix Just, S.J., and last updated on August 3, 2013